This post is dedicated to my Uncle Bob, who needs some attention.
Uncle Bob has always loved cars (not as much as me, but a lot). Today, I start the Bobby Chronicles! BA-BAM-BA-BA! Can’t you just hear the horns playing? From the beginning, Uncle Bob has always loved cars and had some funny relationships with them…
When Uncle Bob was a young child, he, my dad and my Grandma and his two other brothers were driving along. So far, this is just a normal day in the life of Uncle Bob. You need to know that all the boys were sucking on HUGE Jawbreakers. This being Uncle Bob, the Jawbreaker happened to get stuck and he started to choke. Grandma yelled at them to “stop horsing around!” It kept going on, and my dad said “mom, Bobby’s choking!” Grandma pulled over on the side of the freeway to help Uncle Bob. Cars zooming by, she got out and stuck her finger in his mouth, pulling it out! (She also made my dad and two other Uncles spit their Jawbreakers out!) Go, Granny, Go!
About a year later, their cousin was babysitting them. They all went to the local 7/11 to get big slurpies. On the way home, their cousin was driving wildly for fun. There was a street sign that said “Speeding?”
“See, they’re telling us that we have to be speeding! We’re going to fly to the moon” their cousin gleefully informed them.
There was a very steep hill that they were going to “launch from”. When they crested the hill at high speed, Uncle Bob threw up all over the backseat of Grandma’s station wagon. I guess that’s where he started saying “BOOYAH!!”
Not long after that, Uncle Bob, Grandma, my dad, and his brother were going toPalm Springs, through a place called “WindyPass”. The car went off the embankment and barrel-rolled about 8 times. Yikes! Uncle Bob either flew out of the car if the door opened or he jumped out. He’s always wanted his pilots’ license!
When Uncle Bob turned 16, his first car was a 1973 Chevrolet Blazer with a big propane tank instead of a gas tank. He put a four inch lift kit on it, thinking that it would attract girls! I don’t know if that worked… He also put on glass headers, which made it be about as loud as a Harley-Davidson without a muffler! One of the neighbors across the street complained about the noise, which made “mild-mannered Bobby” rev the engine even higher in the mornings!
When Uncle Bob and my dad went up toLake Tahoe to go skiing, they took the Blazer (her name was Betty!). They were on Donner Pass during a snowstorm. Open up your history books, as we all know that snowstorms on Donner Pass don’t end well! The CHP came up to them and told them that they could go through. The problem, at this point, was that there was too much snow on the windshield. Uncle Bob, being the bigger brother, made my dad get out and wipe the windshield. When my dad was about to get in, he slipped on a patch of ice and fell. He slid past something like 20 cars before he grabbed a tire.
Once they were in Tahoe, they were at a “T” intersection. Uncle Bob could only afford to buy two snow tires, so he put them on the rear. When they got to the intersection, he wanted to turn right. Except (this is a big except), the front road tires couldn’t get traction, so they spun and he went into a snowdrift. He then made my dad get out and push him out of the snowdrift. My dad had to get out in waist-deep snow and push! BRRRRR!
The last, and possibly, funniest story happened when Uncle Bob was about 17. He was driving my Grandpa’s Porsche 924 on the 405 Freeway. (Now that car would impress girls more than Betty Blazer!) He went to shift, but the whole shaft for the stick-shift came out in his hand! He was in third gear and came home at a very high speed! He’s always wanted to be a NASCAR driver!
Uncle Bob is a very good driver, but he likes to think that he is driving like Dale Earnhardt Jr. He is lead foot and that equals, yep, you guessed it! Tickets… I can share some of his ticket stories another time…
Thanks for letting me embarrass you, Shmooey! You’re a great Uncle, just don’t forget to check your speedometer! Don’t worry about me, I’ll be a perfect driver!