Category: Humor

My mom’s dad, “Pop” used his driving time as his thinking time.  That usually resulted in funny stories. But the good news is that he never lost his cool when driving.  Pop was an intrepid traveler who loved seeing new places.  Pop used to go Europe every summer with my mom and grandma Betty.  I have chosen to share some of his funniest car-related stories with you. 

I vividly remember when Pop was driving and we were going to go have ice cream, and we went the completely wrong direction!  But, he just shrugged it off and turned around.  After about another hour, we finally found it!  By that time, we had to get home in time for dinner, so we went a bit fast.  (But we did get to the ice cream parlor.)

One time, when my mom was about 16, they were in Arles,France.  My mom and grandma had been walking a lot in the heat of summer.  It was probably 90 degrees out, and they wanted to go back to the hotel.  So Pop went to go get the rental car, which was probably about a mile or so away.  A half an hour went by, then an hour, and then an hour and fifteen minutes.  My mom and grandma Betty started to get worried.  Then, they heard a commotion.  They looked, and there were about 50 people following Pop and laughing!  Pop had gone on a “road” that got progressively narrower, with houses on either side.  Nothing could intimidate Pop, so he kept going, until he was reached a long flight of stairs.  He stopped.  He looked.  He drove.  He drove down the flight of stairs.  All 30 of them.  Streaming behind him, like chicks following a hen, were hysterical locals and kids.  When Pop had reached the bottom of the stairs, he waved!  Then, Pop pulled up by my mom and grandma Betty and they got in!  Pop just laughed it off with them! 

Another time, they were in France, near the Spanish border.  They were in a tiny hotel in a tiny town.  My mom went to get into bed, and the sheets were wet.  So, Pop went and asked the hotel owner if he could come up and change the sheets.  After a few minutes of grumbling, the owner came up, felt the sheets, pointed at my mom (who was 16 at the time) and said “She made pee-pee on the sheets!  I will not put new sheets on!”  So, Pop told the owner in French “Monsieur, tu n’est pas gentille!”  In English, “Mister, you are not nice!”  There is a formal type of French that most French people speak out in the world, and then there is an informal family/friend version.  Pop used the informal version.  Pop told the owner that if he didn’t change the sheets, then they would leave.  The owner told them that he didn’t care if they left.  The owner went downstairs and let the air out of one of their rental car’s tire.  Pop, my mom and grandma Betty were driving along in a small town on some old cobblestones at midnight.  The car sounded like somebody was hammering a nail into a piece of pottery.  Pop said “the car is steering funny on this side.  I’m going to look at it.”  Pop pulled over.  The town was closed for the night; everybody’s lights were dark, and all the shutters were closed.  Pop found out that the tire was flat.  Pop started to change the tire.  Soon enough, a car came up.  Pop’s rental car had Spanish license plates.  Their hearts were lifting because they thought help was on the way.  But no.  A Spaniard was driving, thought they were Spanish, and asked Pop for directions.  Pop told him in French that he didn’t speak Spanish.       

Another trip, they were driving through a small town in Holland.  There were cars in one lane, and Pop was driving in another.  Suddenly, Pop realized that there were a lot of bicyclists in their lane.  Then, people started banging in the roof of their Simca rental car.  Then Pop realized that they were driving in the bike lane!  My mom was getting intense in the backseat, grandma Betty was getting intense in the passenger seat, but Pop kept on driving until he could safely merge. 

Driving along in France, Pop and grandma Betty were looking for a museum.  Pop made a right turn when he should have made a left.  He was driving towards an outdoor café.  All of a sudden, he was in it.  Pop couldn’t back up, it was too narrow.  (It’s a wonder he made it in.)  he started to thread his way through the café’s outdoor tables.  Instead of doing a normal 3-point turn, he did something like an 80-point turn.  People were cheering him on!  He went two inches forward, two inches back, etc.  Grandma Betty was freaked out but laughing!  Pop couldn’t have cared less; he simply kept on doing his 80-point turn.  When he finally got out of the café, he stuck his hand out of the window and waved it like a maestro!  (But he had directions to the museum.)   

One time, when my mom was 15, Pop, my grandma Betty, and my mom were in Wales.  They were driving by a pasture of sheep, and Pop stopped to take a picture out of the window.  My mom and grandma Betty started going “Meh-h-h-h!” back to the sheep.  Then, one very curious sheep started to climb into the car via the window.  Pop started driving without a care in the world.  Finally, after a few moments of struggling with the sheep, my mom and grandma Betty succeeded in pushing the sheep out of the car.  Can’t you just imagine a sheep hanging out of a car window?  I can!   

Another time, they were in England, and there are very high hedge groves in England.  Pop went to turn a corner, and was driving in the wrong lane!  A garbage truck was coming down the road, and my mom was freaking out and screaming “I want to live to see my 16^th birthday!”  Pop waited until the last-minute to swerve, when the garbage truck was right in front of them!  The garbage truck driver looked like he had just seen a ghost!

Someday, I would like to go to Europe, but not with a driver like Pop!  What Pop lacked in driving skills, he made up for in being a good grandpa.

This post is dedicated to my Uncle Bob, who needs some attention.

Uncle Bob has always loved cars (not as much as me, but a lot).  Today, I start the Bobby Chronicles! BA-BAM-BA-BA!  Can’t you just hear the horns playing?  From the beginning, Uncle Bob has always loved cars and had some funny relationships with them…

When Uncle Bob was a young child, he, my dad and my Grandma and his two other brothers were driving along.  So far, this is just a normal day in the life of Uncle Bob.  You need to know that all the boys were sucking on HUGE Jawbreakers.  This being Uncle Bob, the Jawbreaker happened to get stuck and he started to choke.  Grandma yelled at them to “stop horsing around!”  It kept going on, and my dad said “mom, Bobby’s choking!” Grandma pulled over on the side of the freeway to help Uncle Bob.  Cars zooming by, she got out and stuck her finger in his mouth, pulling it out! (She also made my dad and two other Uncles spit their Jawbreakers out!)  Go, Granny, Go!

About a year later, their cousin was babysitting them.  They all went to the local 7/11 to get big slurpies.  On the way home, their cousin was driving wildly for fun.  There was a street sign that said “Speeding?”

“See, they’re telling us that we have to be speeding! We’re going to fly to the moon” their cousin gleefully informed them.

There was a very steep hill that they were going to “launch from”.  When they crested the hill at high speed, Uncle Bob threw up all over the backseat of Grandma’s station wagon.  I guess that’s where he started saying “BOOYAH!!”

Not long after that, Uncle Bob, Grandma, my dad, and his brother were going toPalm Springs, through a place called “WindyPass”.  The car went off the embankment and barrel-rolled about 8 times.  Yikes! Uncle Bob either flew out of the car if the door opened or he jumped out.  He’s always wanted his pilots’ license!

When Uncle Bob turned 16, his first car was a 1973 Chevrolet Blazer with a big propane tank instead of a gas tank.  He put a four inch lift kit on it, thinking that it would attract girls! I don’t know if that worked…  He also put on glass headers, which made it be about as loud as a Harley-Davidson without a muffler!  One of the neighbors across the street complained about the noise, which made “mild-mannered Bobby” rev the engine even higher in the mornings!

When Uncle Bob and my dad went up toLake Tahoe to go skiing, they took the Blazer (her name was Betty!).  They were on Donner Pass during a snowstorm.  Open up your history books, as we all know that snowstorms on Donner Pass don’t end well!  The CHP came up to them and told them that they could go through.  The problem, at this point, was that there was too much snow on the windshield.  Uncle Bob, being the bigger brother, made my dad get out and wipe the windshield.  When my dad was about to get in, he slipped on a patch of ice and fell.  He slid past something like 20 cars before he grabbed a tire. 

Once they were in Tahoe, they were at a “T” intersection.  Uncle Bob could only afford to buy two snow tires, so he put them on the rear.  When they got to the intersection, he wanted to turn right.  Except (this is a big except), the front road tires couldn’t get traction, so they spun and he went into a snowdrift.  He then made my dad get out and push him out of the snowdrift.  My dad had to get out in waist-deep snow and push! BRRRRR!

The last, and possibly, funniest story happened when Uncle Bob was about 17.  He was driving my Grandpa’s Porsche 924 on the 405 Freeway.  (Now that car would impress girls more than Betty Blazer!) He went to shift, but the whole shaft for the stick-shift came out in his hand! He was in third gear and came home at a very high speed!  He’s always wanted to be a NASCAR driver!

Uncle Bob is a very good driver, but he likes to think that he is driving like Dale Earnhardt Jr.  He is  lead foot and that equals, yep, you guessed it! Tickets…  I can share some of his ticket stories another time…

Thanks for letting me embarrass you, Shmooey! You’re a great Uncle, just don’t forget to check your speedometer!  Don’t worry about me, I’ll be a perfect driver!